Where are you?
by DineLade
Summary: Merlin/Arthur slash. Merlin is able to read other people's feelings. It's normal to him, he gotten used to it. So why is he somehow able to feel what that guy he meets at his best friend's birthday party is feeling? Why is his heart racing?
1. Beginnings

I got that out of an advertising of Vodafone, so if anyone's got to see that ad and is reminded of that story it's no wonder. I saw it today and was totally amazed and it just hit me. And now I have that idea and I just had to write it down. I'm sorry for any mistaces in spelling and grammar. ;)

* * *

„Shit."

I looked through my stuff, but I already knew I forgot it. I knew exactly where it was: on my bed ready to be in someone else's hand. Super.

„That's a good greeting, Merlin. Though I would prefer an happy 'hi'."

I looked at Gwen and smiled half-heartedly at her. "You don't have a second birthday present, do you?"

She frowned. "You forgot Will's birthday present?" The way she looked at me told me that she knew how Will was going to react. Will became easy angry over that kind of stuff. He was my best friend though I hated that about him. Lucky for me that I was almost always thinking about saying good morning to him or giving him his birthday present in time. Almost. "Maybe he's forgetting that you haven't giving it to him already. Or you said you put it to the other's. There are some on the table. And then you just have to avoid him this evening."

"He's gonna be so thankful." I sighed. "But it's the only idea besides telling him the truth. Maybe I just wait and see how he's doing."

"There are a lot of people inside. His parents did invite the whole family and I'd bet they brought friends along."

"Really?" She nodded and rolle Will wasn't the type for parties or much people. But his parents were and today I was glad about that.

She pulled me inside and I was stunned. So much people in one room! Gwen pulled me through it and I saw Will. He didn't look very happy. My job to cheer him up and get him out of here – unseen. I sighed. I wasn't much of a party type, either.

Will spotted us and came to us. "Thank god you two are here now. All the afternoon I had to keep smiling and getting wishes and receiving presents. So don't bother me with yours. Give them to me next week. Or throw them away, I don't care."

Morgana ignored his speech and hugged him tight. "Happy Birthday, Will. I'm glad you're finally 18, too." She giggled.

I hugged him too. "So, that makes me the only non-full-aged among us. Cheers to you. I just pretend it didn't happen for the next five months, kay?" I let go of him and smirked at him. He smiled back and I could see he didn't mind.

"As long as you don't throw a party like that I'm in", he responded and we three laughed.

* * *

It was the moment, some guy asked my sister, actually she's only my half-sister, to dance with him. It was the moment I just sat there, very bored. I've known much bigger parties and this one was lame. I didn't know anyone besides Morgana in here. It wasn't an open event and I don't know why we were invited. Apparently someone off the family of her mother did know the parents of the birthday guy, Bill or Will or something. I forgot. It wasn't necessary.

It was that right moment I just tried to make my hopes stop, that maybe something interesting would happen. It was that moment when the crowd behind the guy hadn't closed up yet and I was able to look a few meters wider than before.

It was that moment when I saw the most beautiful person I've ever seen. It hit me like a lightening and I sat up straight on my chair. My heart started to pound. He was making his way through the crowd and looking around and as he got to the bar he grabbed something to drink, I watched his mouth open and how he lifted his head. He was pale, almost shining, with cheap clothes on which just made him more gorgeous. I just couldn't look away.

A beautiful girl tipped from behind at his shoulder and he turned around and smiled wide at her. My stomach was protesting. And then they both hugged really tight. I was about to flip out, a few meters away, but I breathed deep in and out to calm down. Sure. How was he supposed to not have good looking girls as friends while he was the most handsome guy I've ever seen? How was he supposed to not have a girlfriend ... how was he supposed to be gay?

Not that only bad looking guys would be gay. I was the best proof that it was not that way. I was gay and I've always known it. I was never attracted to girls in any kind. It had always been boys. So why was I so sure he was straight? Because. Because of the way he smiled at her and because of the way she flirted with him. He didn't seem like the person who would flirt at all, more seemed like a quiet type. Nice and shy but so very hot.

I watched them talking, the way they acted didn't seem like they were together. One relief, at least.

"You're right. He's really cute." I saw out of the corner of my eyes that Morgana sat down on a chair next to mine. I didn't stop looking at the guy. "But you know, he doesn't seem to be your type. Do you see how he's talking to that girl? She's very beautiful yet he doesn't seem to want something from her except friendship. I don't think that he's such a playboy like you."

I finally looked toward her. "I'm not a playboy." I wasn't. It just happened that I often was 'out' with another guy. It was for fun and I could stop that every time if I wanted to. And it wasn't like I tricked them, no, the basis me and the other's were on was exactly the same. No love, no feelings, just one night and just to have some fun. That's it. And I never, never ended up in the bed with someone.

"Yea, but you know what I mean. He seems more like the caring type." She smiled teasingly at me. "And you are just a prat."

Before I could answer she stood up again. "So, how is it? Are you able to stop looking at him and dance with me?" She smiled so innocently at me that I just couldn't say no. I sighed and stood up, too and she led me to the part of the room where other people were already dancing.

* * *

I somehow ended up chatting with Will's sister. She had only asked me if I knew where Will was and I asked about school. I was glad that she was here, because she seemed to be the only person I knew (besides Will and Gwen of course, but they had ... other things to do). It was a bit uncomfortable although, because I could see that she was into me. I had no feelings for her in that way, but how to tell her that? How shall I tell her that I could see in her eyes that she had a crush on me, was nervous and happy at the same time? It wasn't normal to know exactly what another person was feeling right now just by looking into their eyes. It was to me, I was born with that. But only my mother knew. I never told Will or Gwen. They'd be offended and embarrassed. Sometimes I was able to know things I didn't want to know. Like now.

She managed to get me to dance with her. Really, I wasn't into dancing, I liked it when I was alone but hated it if other people could see me doing it. However, she was doing the most part, laid her arms around my neck and was slowy moving. Yes, it was a slow dance. I was both glad and found it not-so-good. Glad, because you can't do that much wrong with dancing a to a slow song. But it wasn't good for Claire, who seemed to keep her hopes up very high. I sighed in the inside. I had to do something to tell her in a kind way that I was not interested in her. Today.

* * *

He was dancing with this girl. I saw it while I was dancing with Morgana. They were holding each other tight. I let go of Morgana and went away from the dancers. I couldn't stand that picture, wasn't able to look away while they were so near to me, he was only a few meters away and I felt his presence like I felt my own heart beating fast. I had to get away to remind me that I didn't know him and that there was no reason to be sad that they were together or at least are going to be.

Morgana followed me. I ignored her, while a question popped up in my head: Why was I so into that guy? I never met him before, I didn't know him, I never talked to him. Yet I somehow knew he was an incredible person. Someone you can share your life with. I just knew.

I looked back to the dancers. They played now a faster song, so I thought they wouldn't be dancing so tight anymore. But I couldn't see them. I looked at all the people that were dancing and realized then that they weren't dancing anymore.

He was standing at the bar again. Maybe he didn't know anyone just like me? Maybe this girl was the only one he knew. And she wasn't with him anymore. I took a deep breath and somehow managed to walk right toward him, leaving Morgana behind me.

I could hide my feelings if I wanted to. My dad had told me my whole life that showing feelings was a weakness. I knew how to not show them, I knew how to look bored or interested even if I wasn't. I was nervous but at the same time I was glad that he wouldn't know why I was talking to him.

I placed myself right next to him a the bar and ordered something to drink. They hadn't alcohol (which was really lame), so I just chose a tonic. Then I turned around and looked at him. He seemed to be more pretty now out of the closeness. He had raven dark hair which I wanted to tousle, strange big ears which just made him looking more cute than he already did, he had cheekbones to die for and as I was looking at his lips I just wanted to kiss them.

"Hey", I said instead to keep me away of such kind of thoughts. He turned around and I could directly in his eyes. Blue, deep eyes. Why was it that every little detail of him had to be so gorgeous?

He smiled at me. "Hi. Do I know you?" I snapped out the way I was looking at him. His smile made my heart jump but I remained relaxed on the outside. I shook my head. "No. You just looked alone and since I don't know anyone here I thought maybe we could waste time together."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I do know some people in here." I nodded. "Yeah, I know, I saw you dancing with that girl. Is she your girlfriend?" I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer. He gave me an awkward look as if he somehow knew why I had asked this. But then he shrugged. "No. She is just the sister of my best friend."

"I saw the way she looks at you", I said, "she definitely has a crush on." He sighed. "I know. It's difficult to talk with someone that has feelings for you when you don't." He then looked deep into my eyes again, what just made my heart jump again, just to look away abruptly. I tried to talk this awkward silence over. "So, what's your name?"

He didn't look at me as he murmured the answer. "Merlin." Merlin. I smiled. I had never heard of that name before [a/n: pretend, there is no Merlin/King Arthur legend] but it fit to him. _Merlin_. "And yours?", he asked. "I'm Arthur", I told him.

* * *

Somehow his feeling were flowing over to me. I didn't just know what he felt, I could feel it. My heart was racing. He was good. I would've never expected him to be nervous and lonely if I hadn't looked him in the eyes. But I couldn't anymore. I couldn't stand this feeling. Too much.

Of course. There are heterosexuals and homosexuals. He was whether bi or homo. However, he didn't look like a typical gay guy, but did I know? I've never met one until now, until him. Maybe that's because I could feel what he felt. Because it was new and unexperienced for me.

But was it new? It was love. Not quite the love you have when you tell someone you are in love with them but love as in an infatuation. I never met him, but it was quite strong. As if he had known me before for several unknown reason.

"Arthur", escaped from my lips. I couldn't hold it back. It was a beautiful name and I was a bit ashamed of myself that I just had said it like a lover. But it wasn't my fault that he was feeling this! I looked at a point under his eyes and smiled at him. Shall he think what he wanted to think. Whatever. I didn't care.

He smiled back. I took a deep breath. "And the girl you danced with?" He danced with a girl? How did I know that? Yeah ... I remebered. I had seen him on the dancefloor while I was dancing with Juliana. "Is she _your _girlfriend?" I sounded as unsure as I was. Okay, he had a crush on me, I was sure of that, but I couldn't be sure that he hadn't a girlfriend. Maybe because he loved her. Maybe because he wanted to prove someone that he wasn't gay. Maybe he wasn't accepting yet.

He laughed out loud. "Morgana? No way." He tried to calm down and breathed in and out. "No. She is my sister." He paused. "Half sister, to be certain."

"So, you don't have a girlfriend?" Hell, why was I asking this? Pressing information out of him. I should go away before I would do something stupid just because his feelings for me somehow were confusing my feelings. He grinned. "No, I don't."

* * *

So. That's the first chapter. I'm glad about every review and if you have any critcs, tell me. I want to hear them, otherwise I'm not able to improve my writings. ;)


	2. Secrets

Thanks for all the reviews and favs and alerts! I am amazed how much this story got after just one chapter. So thank you all very much!

I wanted to add that every time there is the "horizontal ruler" is a change of pov. Just to let you know. This chapter starts with Arthur's because the last one ended with Merlin's. :) And now I hope you have fun reading the second chapter.

* * *

"Then I hope that you are happy with the situation." Confusion rushed over me. Who says such things? Of course I was happy with it. I had my fun and didn't really believe in one big love or something. There is not. Maybe someday I'm going to love someone but until that day I was happy with the situation. But I couldn't explain to him. Tell him that I wasn't waiting like most people? Tell him what I was doing nearly every weekend since I was seventeen?

So I just nodded.

"I haven't had a girlfriend since I was fifteen." My year of total confusion and denying. Alibi-girlfriend hits the point. But even though I used her she and Morgana helped me with my outing. And while my father was strictly against the fact that I was gay, they both understood. I lost some friends but I got admirers and I didn't let anyone get through to me. On the outside I was the perfect, charming, selfconfident and strong Arthur. On the inside ... well, I wasn't. I was nothing of these things. I had fun on the weekend and it was fun. I didn't make me happy. I had a sister who loved me, but a father who hated me. Admirers but no real friends. No serious relationship since I was out of the closet. No serious relationship before that because I never had strong feelings for a girl. No strong feelings for anyone in my life.

No one looked through my wall. I think Morgana was on it. She felt that I wasn't really the guy who I claimed to be but she didn't know, she didn't show.

I wasn't happy. I never really was.

"Wow, long time", he said and broke through my thoughts. "Was it just that you didn't met a girl or that you don't like relationships?" I looked at him again. In those beautiful eyes. He was raising an eyebrow the exact second and something changed in his eyes. In the way he looked at me. "I'm not interested in girls at all."

"I know", he told me. Now I was the one raising an – no, both – eyebrows, looking at him. "How would you?" He bit his lips. Out of nervouseness? I couldn't tell. Some seconds went by before he answered me. "The way you behave. You were dancing with your sister and now talking to a strange guy. The way you look at..." he breathed deep in and out and then whispered, "me."

Was it that obvious? Okay, I had stared at his lips and in his eyes, but it wasn't long enough for him to know. I tried to be just normal. Like everyday. But my heart started to pound to fast at his words. So, okay, then he recognized. Wasn't this all it was about? For him to recognize and hopefully to be gay, too? But I was nervous. Sure, I was.

* * *

I felt these butterflies in my stomach. Hell, how did they get in there? And why? I could feel how he felt. I could feel that he was unsure what to do and that he reacted to me in a way he didn't know he would ever react to someone. I could feel that he was way more nervous than he looked. But why did I feel all this? I tried to avoid his eyes, but he just made me look into his. His blue ones, blue like mine, but a more beautiful blue. Beautiful ...

I had to stop these thoughts. He liked me. And now he knew that I knew that he liked me. What he didn't know is that I lik...that I reacted to his feelings. No, I didn't like him. Of course not.

But I felt jealous for his girlfriend he had with fifteen. She could kiss those lips, she could look in these eyes for hours (without feeling what he felt but feeling what she felt), she could touch his skin. But it was nonesense to be jealous of her. It's years ago they were together and since he was gay I'd think he never was into her.

And my heart raced at the thought that he liked me. It raced at the thought what we could do tonight ...

No. I had to stop it. I was just thinking this because it was what he thought. I had to get away from him as far as possible and forget him. Because that's what would happen if I never look in those eyes again. But to never look into them again ...

I drank my whole drink. I needed to do something. I needed to get away from him. Now.

But my legs didn't want to move. And the rest of my body didn't seem to care about leaving either. Great. My body was against me.

"And ... now?" It didn't fit to what he behaved before, it was too quite. Too nervous. But it fit to the way he felt and I had to smile at the thought that he now was reacting this way. I smiled because I wanted him to be this way.

I smiled because I knew the answer. I knew the answer in my head and I knew that I didn't want the answer. Okay, maybe I wanted it, but I was afraid. Was it really what I wanted? Was it really what I thought? Or was it his thoughts confusing mine? Was it me who was ... attracted to him? To another guy? To Arthur?

But my body reacted before my mind could catch on it. I was moving closer to him. His eyes widened and they widened a bit more when I touched his cheek and pulling him towards me ... until his lips met mine.

I closed my eyes. My heart was exploding. The way our mouths moved as if they would have done this for so long time now, the way his one hand layed on my cheek and his other was messing up my hair, the way his back felt under my hands...

The way we broke the kiss as we both needed to breath. Just holding him and be in his arms, our faces just a few centimeters away from each other, my eyes on his lips, on his cheekbone, on his ear, on his eyebrow ... and finally I was strong enough to look in his eyes again.

And it changed nothing. I felt the way he felt and it was the same thing I felt. Not exactly, but almost. He still was nervous, I was still confused and ... wtf, was I just realizing that I was gay? Was I just about to come out? Did I really kiss a guy and just loved it, loved the feeling?

I did. And it scared me. It scared me almost away, I was trying to push me away from him, but he was holding on to me. "Please ... don't", he whispered to me and at his low voice I couldn't resist anymore. Again I looked in his eyes and then our lips were meeting again.

* * *

I was enjoying our second kiss even more than our first one. It was sweeter and I wasn't that surprised anymore. Shocked, yes, because I hadn't though that he really was gay. The way he had flirted with this girl ...

I had to stop this. Do not think about girls when you are kissing a guy. Just irritating.

Okay, where was I? Oh, yes, his lips on mine. Even better: my tongue in his mouth. A fast racing heart that felt I just had run a marathon. I smiled and felt that he was smiling, too. My eyes still closed my hand were searching for his hands, one I felt on my neck but the other one I found at the side of his body. I interwined his fingers with mine and breathed deep. I felt happy. Undescribable lucky to be able to have this moment. Undefinable. Unimaginable. And still so beautiful.

He broke the kiss. We both were breathing heavy. "I ... we", he began but then stopped. "What is this?" I smiled at his unsureness. I moved his hand which was still in mine to my heart and layed it on my chest. "This is it", I answered and smiled comfortingly at him.

He moved his hand away and my smile died. Maybe he did change his mind, maybe he now thought that it was wrong, maybe ...

"We should go more slowly. Please. I'm not – not used to this." He made an undefinable handmove and then let both hands fall on his side. I nodded, "okay", and took a step backwards so he had some space for himself.

Unusual me...

But then we stood there in silence. He was looking down at his shoes and I was biting on my lip, nervously searching for something to say. Politics? Music? Movies?

But I wanted to say something meaningful. Not just some small-talk-thing but something important. Maybe...

"Was it okay for you? I mean, what happened?" His head shot up and he looked straight into my eyes, terrified. I just looked back and waited for an answer.

"I ... think so", he said quietly after a few seconds. "I never -" He broke the sentence and when it didn't seem that he would continue, I ended it for him. "Never kissed a guy before?"

He nodded slowly. "You know", I said, tried to sound comforting, "when I did it the first time I was just as confused as you now seem to be. I even pretended to be in love with a girl and was in a relationship with her to suppress that I stand everytime I saw that guy I had a crush on half-naked or thought of him. I was fifteen." I laughed. "You know how we are at fifteen. Teenagers who just wants to be cool and don't know who we are. And that we should care about others. And that we shouldn't deny our feelings. I thought someday it might go away. But I was wrong. It'll never stop. I'll always like boys."

He stard at me with wide eyes. I raised my hand and layed it on his cheek, carressing it. "It is way more amazing to love the ones you want to love."

I paused. He swallowed and looked around in the room, avoiding my face, but I could see that he was thinking.

I smiled.

* * *

Was I ... gay? Was it really me and not his feelings rushing over me?

I had to admit that never before I could feel the feelings of another person. And that I really had the signs of having a crush, a big infatuation, on him.

I looked for either Gwen or Will but I couldn't find them in the room. I really wanted to get away from Arthur, but I had no excuse without someone I could go to.

But as I thought about it, I knew that I didn't really wanted to go. I was glad I haven't found them and that now I had an excuse for _staying _with him.

I breathed deep in and out and looked at him again.

He was smiling and looking at me. "You know that you can scare people away with your speeches?", I asked him jokingly, but my voice was quiet and just as nervous as I felt. My heart was pounding and maybe I should take this as a sign that I really liked him. Just to look at him made me feel so ... insecure. Coming undone. Amazingly different...

"I don't seem to scare _you _away. And that's all that matters right now." My breathing quickened as my heart beat faster and I couldn't resist to smile. "No. Surprisingly I want to stay...", I admitted whispering.


	3. Revelations

So, I have the next chapter ready and I just wanted - again - to thank you all for the alerts and favs. And mainly I want to thank the ones who wrote a review. :) You don't need to hesitate - I want to know everything you're thinking about this story. ;)

But now I don't want to let you wait anymore ... here's chapter three and I hope you enjoy reading it!

And it's continuing with Merlin's POV.

* * *

But I refused to take a step closer to him again, like my body wanted to. I still was way too confused. Okay. I was gay. Or maybe I wasn't gay, because I had never any affections towards a boy before. To be honest, I've never had any affection, neither boys nor girls, in my life. Maybe I wasn't straight or gay or bi or whatever. Maybe it was just ... him.

And if it was just him than I should get to know him better before I was doing something, anything with him. If I'd do now what my body tells me to, I would make out with a stranger. And that right here in that room where anyone can see us. And I have to push these thoughts away. I have to concentrate. I breathed deep in and out and looked at his face, opened my mouth, but my concentration was almost gone again. His lips, drinking his ... whatever it was, were too interesting. But I shut my eyes for a moment, forming the question in my mind, opening them again and focused on the words I had to say.

"So, tell me something about you. I just know your name. And the look of your sister." He swallowed the last bit of his drink and then turned to me, looking into my eyes. My heart was pounding more, my body tried to respond to his feelings which rushed over me but I stood still, looked back into his eyes, enjoyed the feeling of his crush on me, the nervousness and now I could feel that he was surprised by my question and I could see that he thought about it and so I waited for him to answer.

"My Mom died giving birth to me, so I was just raised by my dad." I wanted to say that I'm sorry for this but I could feel that he wasn't feeling sad. He was ... guilty. And I could feel that he had something against someone. Not me, but as I could only know feelings, I didn't know to whom these feelings were for. Maybe the doctor who couldn't save his mom?

* * *

I didn't want to wait for him to reply. People always say the same thing, when the hear that story. But he answered before I could go on with it.

"You know, it is not your fault." He looked so seriously at me, so deep, that I could almost see that he was sad that I felt guilty. But that would be ridiculous. How should he know that I felt guilty? Why should he be sad about it, even if he guessed it? Stupid as I was, I took a step back and answered: "What's not my fault?", though I knew what he meant. It was obvious.

"She didn't die because of you. She died for you. And while it's a long time since it happened and should've moved on, you are searching the reason within you. Stop it. It's nonsense. And it's not changing anything." I bit both my lips together to avoid the tears forming in my eyes. No, I would no cry. Not while he – while anyone – could see me, not about this.

But these words were just cutting an old wound. I was always feeling guilty, because I lived and my mother died. And there he came, out of nowhere, guessing the right thing, saying the right words to just let the pain come to me again. His words were ... beautiful. I smiled, still trying not to cry. It was silly, because I was Arthur Pendragon. I've never cried since I was ten. At least never when I was with someone. But with Merlin world seemed to be quite and empty. In a special way. I didn't need it to be loud or filled with people. It was enough, it was more than that. And with Merlin I felt like I could react as if I was just by myself.

"Sorry", he said to me, laying a hand on the hand which was still besides my glass and caressing it. "I didn't mean to ... you know. I just wanted you to know that it isn't your fault if someone you love dies." He had tears in his eyes. Tears! I was still trying to keep me from crying right before him and just let it go and showed it. He did. Some tears were rolling down his face, but he jerked them away with his hand. "I'm sorry. But go ahead with telling me about your life." He smiled weakly and I smiled back, also weakly, I felt it, but it wasn't too bad.

"I don't really like my dad. I mean, he's a good guy, he took care of me and raised me by his own, he raised Morgana after her mom also died, because of cancer. But he is always cold around us, never does a family thing with us and is always busy with work. And when he talks with me it's always about university and the fact that I haven't brought a girl home in years. I try to tell him everytime that I won't ever bring a girlfriend home with me but he refuses to listen. When I first told him he shouted at me that I should be silent and slammed the door and didn't talk with me for three weeks. And since then he's trying either to avoid the theme or to get me straight. As if it would work..."

He nodded. "Has to be hard if your own father doesn't accept you the way you are." I looked down. "It's okay. I'm used to it by now. Our relationship was never very good. That I'm gay hasn't changed the situation much." I sighed. "But there's still Morgana. My best friend. I can talk with her about nearly everything. She accepts that I'm gay, she accepts my way of living. She loves me and she is the best little sister you can imagine." A smile formed my lips as I looked at him again. "We were always there for each other since she moved at our house. That hasn't changed over the years."

* * *

He was happy while he spoke about Morgana. Still he was sad about his father. More than he showed. And I didn't have to look in his eyes to know that.

"Morgana is my only friend. My only real friend. I've got some 'friends' in university but they're just after the money and the power my dad has." He looked at me, serious. "It hurts to know that the people you are surrounded with don't care about you even though you care about them. I learned that lesson in elementary school. There was just one person outside my family whom I could trust. And I used her. I used her as an alibi-girlfriend and still she was there for me after it came out. I told myself I would never care about someone again."

I had tears in my eyes, again. What was that about no one to trust? He and me, we both just had one person we could share our secrets with. One person that knew about what we hid from the world. For him it was his weakness, that he was scared of ... scared of people, scared that they could hurt him. At for me it was ... it was something way more crazy. Something I couldn't even tell Gwen or Will.

And it still hurt me that he didn't want to care about someone. Because this someone includes also me. And I wanted him to care about me. Because though I didn't know him much I cared about him. We had so much in common. I could feel what he felt. And my body was totally attracted to him.

"You don't have to cry for me. Please, don't." His voice was soft, he turned his hand, which was still under mine and intertwined our fingers. "I still have Morgana, haven't I? And I am in university, I have fun, my life isn't as bad as you might think now. Really, I'm happy."

I shook my head. "You aren't. You don't have to fool me. I know that you aren't happy. At least not right now."

He raised his eyebrows. "How should you know that? I am happy. I give my best to be."

* * *

He swallowed and took a deep breath. Wow, he seemed to be nervous.

"Maybe I should tell you now about my life." I nodded, looked at him and played a bit with his fingers. The touch of his hand was something I'd never want to miss...

"My dad left my mom before he knew that she was pregnant. She never told me why he left. I hope that he had a reason. No, I know that. He would never just left her out of boredom, right?" He closed his eyes for a second and then looked right back into mine.  
"So I grew up with just my mom. She is the best mom you could imagine, I love her. I trust her. And she's the only one I can trust."

He paused. "I mean, of course I trust my best friends, Will and Gwen, but that's not the point. I would trust them with my life, but they don't know. They don't know that ... that ..." But he didn't continue.

I took a step closer and hugged him. "Whatever it is, Merlin, you know you can tell me." I smiled. Unusual words for me. But I meant them. First, his secret would be safe with me, and second I couldn't hurt him. I didn't know why, but I cared too much for him to do that.

"I'm kind of a freak. I can ... I know what people around me feel. I know it when I look into their eyes." He pushed me away from him, before I realised what he just said. ... Know what people feel? By looking in their eyes? That was ridiculous! Hilarious!

"I usually just know it. I've never felt it. I never felt the sadness of someone else, or the happiness."

I swallowed. He sounded so serious. Knowing ... knowing what I felt? So it wasn't hard for him to say the right words! He just ... he used my attraction to him, he knew that I was rich, he tried to get through me using my weird attraction to him to use my money. He didn't care. Of course not.

"Until you. You know why I was so confused at the beginning? I felt what you felt. I felt that you were nervous, that you had crush on me, my heart raced because yours were. But these feelings didn't go away as I didn't looked in your eyes anymore. They were there just like before. And I tried to tell myself that these were just your feelings ... that I'm confused because you were gay and you liked me and that never a guy before had such feelings for me."

Played me, like everyone else. I haven't learned out of elementary school. I thought I have, but I opened up and just got crashed down again. Like then ...

"But it isn't because of that. You're feelings have nothing to do with mine, I'm able to feel what you feel by looking into your eyes, yes, but that I too like you is just there. And it's there because you are so ... handsome. Because you are the most amazing person I've ever met. Lonely, sad and still you try to let everyone else believe that you are strong and happy. My heart races because I don't want to stop looking at you, feeling your hand in mine, listening to your voice."

Right. Our hands. I pulled mine out from under his and shoved it into my jeans, looking down, so that he wouldn't be able to look into my eyes, wouldn't be able to read my mind again, wouldn't be able to use me. Again, tears were in my eyes, but I blinked them away. I would just go and tomorrow, at home, I would just forget about him. Forget him, forget the feeling I have now for him, stop thinking about him. Forgetting this whole evening, including everything.

"I care about you like I never cared for someone before. You told me your secret and I wanted to do the same. Please, tell me what you think. Arthur. Please don't be like this."

I heard the tears in his voice, I didn't need to look at his face. I wouldn't look at his face. He was probably in some acting-school or whatever. He was good. But still it hurt to know that he was hurt (though he wasn't.) and I had to bite my teeth hard together to keep me from looking at him.

"What I think? You want to know what I think? Besides that you really are a freak, imagining things which are impossible", I let out a hard laugh, unreal, "Don't believe that I fell for that. Don't believe that I fall for this whole show. Who told you about my family? About my dad's company?" He wanted to say something, but I cut his words with a jerking hand move. "Forget it. I don't want to know. But you know what? Search for someone else who falls for your acting, for "oh, I so like you, I can feel your feelings, you are so special for me". I don't. I know people like you, I've known them for too long. Thanks for trying to use my feelings and showing me that there are really no people who I could care about."

I turned around and went away. I heard that he was saying something, but I didn't understand. I didn't want to understand. I was looking for Morgana. I had to get away from here. Now.


	4. Thoughts

So, after a long time: here's a new chapter! This chapter was hard to write, especially the confusion of Merlin. I don't think I wrote enough about that.  
Well, of course there is an explanation for Merlin's reactions though he doesn't understand them now and I don't know when he's going to understand it.

But now: have fun with this chapter. :)

Oh, and it's Merlin all the time this time. FF doesn't let me make two line breaks at a time so I used the horizontal ruler instead, though there's no change in POV.

* * *

[The next day]

I woke up, my head was hurting so much. Did I drink alcohol? I've never drank before. I've never been drunk before. But this was what I always thought it would be. Well, I never thought, that I would be in this state sometime ...  
Well, do I remember?  
Yes. I was at Will's party. I forgot his present. Will and Gwen disappeared, Will's sister was dancing with me.  
Oh, no. Arthur. Everything was coming right back.  
He left after I told him about me. He left and though I was trying to find him for the whole evening, I wasn't able to find him. I cried, but I didn't left the party until the last person was out of the door. After that I just went home. Didn't listen to what Gwen and Will tried to tell me, just going home and going to sleep.  
But I couldn't sleep, I was crying for too long ... and it seems that I've fallen asleep while I cried. At last.  
Arthur ... just the thought of him let my heart beat faster. But it was in vain, I would never see him again. I knew nothing about him, just his first name. And the name of his sister. Morgana. I remembered so well, I went through our whole conversation. Tried to remember every little detail so I would always remember. Because it was something so special I felt ... something I knew I could never feel again with anyone else but him.

I stayed in bed. Even just getting up was too much, mom brought me something to eat to bed and took my temperature, asking me what was wrong. I just told her that I didn't feel good. No fever. Of course not. I wasn't sick. Not physically.

It took me the whole weekend before I got up again. Monday morning I finally prepared for going to university. I would see Gwen again and looked forward to the distraction of both the lectures and her.  
But I didn't like the way she greeted me.

"Merlin, you have to tell me what's wrong." I shook my head as we headed for the lecture hall. She sighed. "Yes, Merlin. You haven't answered your phone for the whole weekend. And Friday night ... you weren't quite yourself. Don't think I haven't seen that you were crying." I closed my eyes for a moment and came abruptly to a halt.

"Don't you understand? I don't want to speak about it. Now just leave me alone. Okay?" I yelled at her. I regretted my words the moment I had said them but I wasn't in the mood for apologizing. Gwen was shocked and probably mad but she said nothing about it. We reached the lecture hall without saying another word and I ignored her for the whole lecture. And the next one. And the next.

We still hadn't talked as we got into the cafeteria, but after we sat down at a table and ate for a few minutes, I couldn't hold it any longer.  
"Gwen, I think I have a crush on someone." Gwen's head shot up and looked at me. She was curious. And confused. And was still angry with me. "I met this person at Will's party, but I said something stupid and he left before I could even ask him for a number or something. That's the story."

I looked down. Thinking about it now, the whole thing seemed less bad. But then I remembered how it felt to feel his skin on mine ... his lips kissing mine. And I just wanted to cry again. But I held the tears back. It was useless to think about it. I shoved the thoughts about our meeting in the back of my mind and tried to concentrate on Gwen.

* * *

I guess I somehow lost my voice. 'Guess' because I didn't try it when I woke up the next day. I was silent at breakfast, I was silent on the way to the university, I was silent while Gwen tried to comfort me (again) half of the time and the other half blabbing about so much unnecessary things, probably trying to distract me. I was silent during lectures. During lunch. During the afternoon in the library.

The library.  
A place I didn't feel as lost as everywhere else.  
I still was wondering how A ... he was able to have so much effect on me after some minutes of talking and kissing.  
A place where I could forget.  
There were books about everything.  
Novels (which I loved): fantasy and science fiction fascinated me the most.  
Cookbooks: I was never good at cooking but looking at the recipes and the pictures and imagine to really make these meals...  
Books about the nature: I didn't like the ones where everything was in a right place and listed and categorized and had a latin name. I more liked the ones which described things, how they worked, how they looked, how they felt. Books with pictures of places where nearly no one ever was. Books with stories of animals living at places humans could never live at.  
The library.  
A place I could turn my worrying mind off. And another part of my mind on, which I hadn't a name for. It was the part that only read, and tried to remember things. The part with the fantasy, the imagination, the logic. The part where no personal memories were.  
A quiet place. Just what I needed. And wanted. Where I was normal without speaking.

I just got in, looked for hours for books and read some.  
The novels were the only books which I read through.

I found a book with a person who had also lost his voice. Well, he lost his words, but there's no big difference.  
Just that his loss was so much bigger than mine.  
I was ridiculous.

I tried to speak to mom at dinner but I couldn't.  
Not I was the one being ridiculous. My voice was. My body was. My brain was.  
But definitely not me in particular.

* * *

She was furious. I knew it though I didn't pay attention.  
"Merlin, you can't stay quiet the whole time! You have to understand that you're not going to see him again and get over him!"  
Mrs. Belmond was telling stuff about feelings.  
Well, it was quite interesting. The hormones...maybe my body was somehow able to see them? Or feel them? That would explain why I only know what people around me are feeling.  
But the eyes?

Suddenly I sat up straight.  
I hadn't looked in Gwen's eyes only to the front.  
And I knew that she was confused. Without looking at her.  
Super. What was this about? My "gift" decreased?  
Not that I really cared about it.  
But it was quite ironically. Now that I've lost him because of it, it suddenly is stronger.  
And it scared me.  
I tried to focus on Mrs. Belmond.  
And switched the rest of my brain off.

* * *

He began to talk again.  
And I began to think again.  
Why – why the hell haven't I talked for so long now? I hadn't counted the days. But the why was the important thing. I barely knew Arthur. I had spoken to him for maybe half an hour, probably less. I had kissed him twice. That was it.  
Yes, I had felt his feelings and I had felt mine which were similar. I had a crush on him. Maybe more, the way I acted was just too much to only have a crush on someone. But how was it possible that I felt more than a crush? That I cared for him so much, that I wanted him around so much, so much that I wasn't even able to speak anymore.  
How had he been able to get into my heart within this short amount of time and then break it apart by leaving? Getting out of my life again, just as suddenly as he got into it.

Fact was: I would never see him again.  
Another fact was: I wanted to see him again so badly. I wanted to be able to tell him that what I had said was the truth. That I hadn't used him. That I would never do such things.  
And the last fact I knew for certain: I was being so ridiculous that it hurt.

This evening I cried for the first time in days.


	5. Increasings

_Again, I'm sorry for the long wait. School's a bitch. And it's not getting better the next time, but it was just _time_ I wrote another chapter. Un-betaed, so every fault belongs to me. And I'm sorry about the long and unrealistic conversation between Merlin and Gaius. I just needed to get on with the plot. Merlin needed to know more and it was the only thing I could think of. Sorry.  
Any thoughts, if good if bad, are appreciated. :) _

* * *

"You are being so ridiculous, Merlin", Gwen said.

I knew she was right. Of course she was. I was ridiculous.

I thought about Arthur every freaking second.

My voice worked again, but not much.

And my power increased, but using it hurt now. I was relieved when it was weekend, so I hadn't have to go out, because my power worked if I wanted or not, which ended every day with a big headache and collapsing down onto the bed. Emotions and even memories were flowing in my mind and it was just too much.

It was ridiculous how all these emotions meant nothing to me while Arthur's had been so real inside of me. Just like mine.

It was like something in me refused to work now these were away. And like another thing had started to work properly, now that it has experienced this. I could sense this, but I didn't know what it meant.

So I just nodded.

"Even Professor Gaius mentioned it while I had my shift at the library. He misses your active work in the lectures."

I sighed.

"He wanted me to tell you that he wants to speak to you. I'm just hoping, you're not going to refuse to speak to him as well. I understand your suffering in some point, but he maybe won't."

I said "okay" and looked down.

Even though it didn't help if I didn't looked into other people's eyes anymore, it was something I was used to do.

* * *

Professor Gaius spoke to me the next time I was in the library of the university. He was there nearly all the time he hadn't any course.

He was sad. Sad about my lack of happiness. This was strange, but I knew it for certain, when I entered the library. It was an outstanding emotion, maybe because it concerned me. He also was reading a book about some religion. I saw some strange symbols flickering in my mind. (Something that had happened more often the last days. It was driving me crazy, but right now it gained my interest.)

I walked where I knew he was. (Gwen by the way was on her way to another lecture, with Sophia, a friend of her.)

I swallowed, when he came in sight. I thought about how I would get his attention, but to my surprise, my voice was working and I was talking without thinking about it.

"Professor Gaius?" He looked up at me and after a tiny second a smile spread across his face. "Merlin, it's nice to see you." I hesitated. "Uhm, Gwen said you wanted to talk to me?"

He nodded and mentioned me to sit on a chair across the table. "I'm merely surprised", he spoke again after I sat, "that you came to me. Your mother mentioned that you refused to go outside if not necessary."

"Well, it's not that eas - You know my mother?", I asked, surprised.

"Yes, Merlin. The contact had faded over the past years, but I know her. I even knew you when you were little, but I'd guess you don't remember me, do you?"

"No, sir, I don't." And Mum never even said a thing when I told her the names of my profs. Why hadn't she?

"She broke the contact for a while when you father, well, disappeared. But that's not what -"

"You knew my father?", I blurted out. My father! I was feeling so many things at the same time ...

A memory came to my mind that wasn't mine. A man was there, a young man holding a little baby. The man was tickling the baby and it was laughing, while a woman was sitting at the side and watching them both with clear love in her eyes.

The baby was me, I realised. This was my father and my mother and me. Our family when it was still whole. So happy.

Tears came to my eyes I couldn't hold in. I smiled at the picture and even though this was Gaius' memory, I saved it in my heart. In this moment I was happy about my powers.

"He was handsome, wasn't he?", I said without thinking. A moment later I slapped myself mentally. Stupid!

"According to your mother, you both are the most handsome men in the universe", he said, chuckling.

I was too angry with myself to laugh with him. What would he think now? That I'm mentally ... damaged?

"And you clearly have more from him than just your hair."

I looked at him puzzled. What did he mean?

"He was able to do some mysterious things and I wasn't exactly sure what you would inherit from them until your mother came to me when you were five. Since then I took a lot of research on it. Even more than before. I told your mother not to tell anyone and to tell you not to use what you could do."

Oh, that he meant. So Mum told him?

"What was it what my father could do?"

He smiled. "Different things. What he could do without needing advice was reading minds. What you're doing is different but it goes in the same direction. Reading emotions, isn't it?"

I nodded. "Though it's getting more the last time. I know where people are when I look for them, I get pictures and memories from others. Things they are doing." I paused and whispered: "Yesterday I didn't want to go to the kitchen to fetch some bread. The bread ended with coming to me instead. I thought I'd gone crazy. Before it was only emotions and these things."

"The bread was moving because you wanted it to move?"

I shook my head. "It was just there all of a sudden. And I looked and the bread in our kitchen was gone so it definitely was it."

"Wow."

"What is happening with me?" This was a question I wanted to ask my whole life. But Mum couldn't answer it and I had never told anybody else (beside Arthur. Arthur, who just ran away. Arthur...). A question, that frightened me, now, that I spoke it out loud. What, if it was something bad? (It didn't feel like it. It felt natural. But still...one could never know.)

"I'm not sure ... warlocks usually only have one specification. This is something I've never read of..."

"Warlocks? So I'm a warlock? What does that even mean, specification?"

"Like, the mind reading of your father and you. This is one. Changing the place of objects is another one. One I also never heard of, this doesn't seem like levitation."

"But what is exactly is this whole thing?" I was starting to get desperate. Warlocks? Specification? Couldn't he just tell me what all this was about?

"The old religion, Merlin. Better known as magic, nowadays."

"I'm magic?" That sounded true. It was fitting with the feeling of it. Magic would explain everything at once. Even the moving bread.

"Yes, you inherited it from your father, as he did from his. It's in your blood."

I smiled. "So, my grandfather also had magic? What could he do?"

"He could control other people's thoughts. He was very powerful."

"So everyone in the family had a power that had to do with minds?"

"I just don't understand how you can also have another one."

I bit on my lip. "Why can I control the bread but not whose feelings I get?"

"Maybe...", he hesitated, "your mother told me that you could read feelings by looking into other people's eyes."

I nodded slowly. "But not anymore. I get them everytime, from all the people around me. Right now, I feel, that you are curious, worried and nervous, you also are tired and would like to go to bed though this conversation is far too important for you to just go. I get this of everyone who's near me."

"So that's why you stopped talking in the lectures, then? And stopped going outside when you don't have to?"

I nodded again. It was only half of the truth, but had he to know hat my 'magic' had hindered me at speaking because it missed some guy?And although I did miss him too, if it wasn't for my ... magic (I still had to get used to this word), I'd probably be over him by now.

"Okay, so you have to learn to control them."

"Control them? That's what I'm trying to do since I first recognized that this wasn't something everyone could do!"

"I have some books for you, where the old religion is explained and where you can find exercises to control it better. There are also spells, but you first have to be in full control of what you do before you can start with these." He pushed three books over to me and looked at them. "I think I don't have to tell you to be careful with these. First, you mustn't tell anyone about these and no one may ever find them and second, they are very old and single copies."

"Yes, sir."

He smiled at me. "You'll see, this is something special. Once you get the control, it'll be more like a gift than anything else."

"Uhm ... there is also ... why mustn't I tell anybody? I mean, would it be so bad, if I would?"

"Yes, Merlin. Because if any of the Magicors finds out that you are magic, you have a problem. That's why your father disappeared. If he would've stayed any longer, they would've found out. Maybe they did. I don't know."

I swallowed. "And then? Will they murder me or something?"

"They use magic people for their own good. It would be as if you were their slave. Maybe worse."

"But that's against the law!"

"They are a secret society, Merlin. The state won't find out. And no-one's going to reveal that they exist."

"Why not? Don't anyone know someone in there? This would be better for all of us."

"No, it wouldn't. Though there are well-known people who manage the Magicors, this isn't the problem. The problem is, that if anyone reveals them, this person risks his or her own life and the life of anyone who believes them, because over the centuries the Magicors have developed a very strong army of their sorcerers. It's better if they act like this than them acting open and suppress everyone. It sounds hard and it's wrong, but it's the truth."

"So I have to stay hidden forever?"

"Well, you have to know who you can trust. Your father told your mother and me, that they found out about him was due to an accident."

"So I can tell. I just have to be sure that they're trustworthy."

He nodded.

"And if I ... if I told someone who, well, I don't know about and don't know if he's trustworthy?"

He eyebrow made a crazy move towards his hair.

"You told someone?"

"Well, I ... I thought I just had to. I was feeling like it was okay and he made me feel so ... comfortable."

"You should talk to him immediately."

"Well, that", I swallowed, "he ran away after I told him. I have no idea where he lives. I just know his name. His first name. Oh, and the name of his sister." Oh, damn. Maybe he was one of these bad people?

"And?"

"It was Arthur. Blond, muscular, good-looking, a bit shorter than me. And his sister Morgana, stunningly beautiful, dark long hair. They were on a party of a friend's birthday, so maybe I could ask his parents if they know ..."

"Arthur and Morgana?", he asked, worried now. Very worried, in a way that made me even more worried.

"Yes, these were their names. Although I just spoke to Arthur and he mentioned her and I saw the two of them dancing together. Yes, Arthur and Morgana."

Worried and frightened, that was everything Gaius felt now. And when a picture came into my mind of a young man in a suit looking up from a newspaper ...

"Yes, that's him! He was in a newspaper?"

Gaius flinched. "Y-yes. This is not good. What am I telling, this is the worst thing that could've happened. Merlin, you told Arthur Pendragon. Son of Uther Pendragon, who's the head of the Magicors."

My eyes had gone wide. My hands trembled. "But that – I mean, that doesn't – He wasn't reacting like he had known of magic at all!"

Gaius took a deep breath. "What if he was just acting like he didn't know?"

I shook my head. "He hadn't known. I would've known it if he would've felt frightened or angry or in need to tell his father so that they could get me."

"Maybe he tells his father this story."

"He and his father are not the ones who tell each other stupid stories."

"Still, you should've been more careful."

I nodded. "I'm sorry", I mumbled.

* * *

The books were very helpful. They had for every direction of specification different exercises to learn how to control them.

One of them in the mind-reading section was to go to a public place and let every thought (well, in my case, every emotion and every picture) have access to my mind and trying to extend the radius.

I did this in a lecture. The amount of things rushing through my mind was enormous, it hurt, but as I didn't focus on one everything ended in a blur, in one big murmur of emotions and pictures and I didn't have to see everything.

After this happened with the people sitting in the lecture hall, I slowly expanded my reach to the hallway, to other halls, to other floors and to the whole university. It was easier than I had thought. I just had to concentrate on this, had to concentrate on staying open for everything and not trying to focus on one thing. The murmur didn't hurt, it was just a bit irritating.

Then the exercise was going on with decreasing the reach again.

I did exactly this until I only had the people of my lecture hall in my mind, but I sensed that I could do more. So I decreased more, step by step, until all I could sense was Gwen next to me. She was thinking about a guy she had a crush on, I smiled and my concentration broke. More thoughts were filling my head again. But my smile didn't fade.

I knew I would do this again every day, every time I could. And I knew with some practice I could shut everyone out without concentrating that hard.

That there was going to be a problem, I recognized a week later at sensing someone who made my heart-race double in an instant. Not out of joy. Out of fear.


End file.
